Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
