Your mouth is God's brothel.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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