seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
