wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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