I wish I could teleport
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
