got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
