call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I forget how to act sober
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