i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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