glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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