FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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