even my farts smell like vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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