im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
