My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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