dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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