I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
