If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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