I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
