just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
