I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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