What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
