Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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