Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
