whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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