She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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You pole danced in your parka.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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