last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
