I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You left your phone here
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