You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can you repeat that, but with context?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
