Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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