I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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