the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
