I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My ATM looks so different sober.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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