Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My vagina is officially offended.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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