after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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