I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
