we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
