yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
