I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
