Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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