I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We have started to decorate penises.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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