i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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