i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
