When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
