Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Houston, we have a squirter
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
