My hand turned me down
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Randomize
