How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
