She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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