you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
