I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
