If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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