Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
