why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
